LINCOLN

MOVIE: LINCOLN

Truly a President who had the Horsepower I need with the Luxury I deserve

STARRING: The Last of the Mohicans, Mama Gump and I THINK Tommy Lee Jones. I Think….

                                                 

                               

 

RUN TIME: My Mid-afternoon Nap

GENRE: Slow Clap

DRINKOMETER: One Barrell of Confederate Rye

Fuckin War and America and Shit! Fuck Yeah! 

WHY I WENT: I went to this film Blacked out under a different circumstance than my usual Happy Hour movie shenanigans. It’s 4pm on a Monday and I am wandering around Midtown Manhattan like an actor Zombie thanks to the Sunday afternoon nap that I awoke from at 8pm the night before and haven’t slept since. I had a big LES MIS audition that day that if cast, would pay me good money to spend the months of January through April in warm, sunny Northeast Florida. And I get to be in LES MIS! Safe to say, I really prepped the crap out of this audition.

GAH! Please let me in your crappy production so I can go to Florida for the winter!

After sitting around for 5 plus hours in the hallway of Pearl Studios on 36^th and 8^th staring at all sorts of 19 year old, beautiful, wannabe Broadway starlettes as they clamored and gossiped whilst anxiously waiting for their 16 Bars of singing to show the world what they got (I’m feeling old for the first time in my life), It finally gets the guys portion of the call. I haven’t been on an open call in years. I swore them off and soon I would remember why.

These guys definitely beat me out for my role(s) in Les Mis

I look around and see nothing but boyish looking, 5’5 – 5’9 gay musical theatre types, barely 18 years old, more dancer than singer, and I smile to myself. I’m a Lock! Certainly a 6’2 rugged looking twenty seven year old with a booming voice and countless musical theatre credits and 9 years of NYC experience like me is EXACTLY the type this Regional Theatre would die to have for their production. Because there are so many guys who showed up, some just minutes before, we get called into the audition room twenty at a time to get “Typed” (Based on looks alone, they immediately narrow the field and ask a select few to sing. Its pretty degrading) I’m even happier now, it means less wait time when I’m selected.

More of "The Type" They were looking for

I go in to the room with all the other queens and I hold up my card and smile and walk out and….I get typed out.  My pride hurt, my day wasted and all those gorgeous young girls I won’t have the chance to blow away in Florida. I will rant at how infuriating this process at some point but for now, I am focusing on my next big audition, The Phantom of the Opera.

So here I am, my day wasted and I have a performance in AIDA at The MET later that night. (At least I could mope to the MET where I’m getting paid to perform. Take that Florida Regional Theater) I don’t want to go back to Astoria, Queens just to chill for a minute and come all the way back and same goes for any other neighborhood. I’m drowsy, nauseous, broke and all I can think about is finding a place to nap or I will NOT make it through the show. I go to the MET and register for my official I.D. secretly looking for a couch or pile of curtains to cuddle up on for a moment. NaDa. Nothing is better than having an I.D. card picture taken when you haven’t slept in a day and your performer’s ego just took a 5 hour long slap in the face.

Harnessing the Misery needed to portray The Phantom of The Opera

And then I realize, Oh Yeah, The Movie theatre is right across the street! At this point, I am willing to pay for a ticket to sit alone and go lights out for a bit. But what movie do I know will be so uninteresting, so hollywoody and sappy and crappy and wrong and long, against everything I stand for with movies while not being to loud so I get the best bang for my buck that I will SURELY sleep right through it? Twighlight? No…There’s Wearwolves. Hitchcock? No…not long enough and there’s a chance I may become interested in it. Skyfall? No…It’s the greatest movie ever. AH-HA! The she is –

LINCOLN!

“Ill take one for the 5pm Lincoln please”

“That will be $4,789 sir”

“Here Ya Go. Thanks.”

Hello America I'm New York...I mean Abraham Lincoln

PLOT: I don’t know. I really did get quite a nap in on this guy. It starts off with a PG version of a gruesome, muddy, civil war battle and then Lincoln is talking to these black soldiers while posting up on a buggy or something and thennnnn I fade….I wake and There’s a courthouse? Congress? Fat men in wigs? Fade...Wake Annnnd Sally Field. Fade…Wake annnnnd a lot of men in wigs going “Hub a bub a hub a bub a I Object a bub a hub a beep bop a Not on my land a bub a hub a here yee here yee” And then the 13^th amendment is passed and there’s a slow clap and Tommy Lee Jones, is that Tommy Lee Jones? Yeah that’s Tommy lee Jones. Huh….I didn’t know he was in this…And Tommy Lee Jones is banging his black house servant secretly (Duh like all of our founding fathers were doing) and there’s a slow clap and Robert E. Lee leaving Appomatix Court House and all the Union Guys take their caps off to him in a very slow clappy way and he rides off into the sun and Lincoln gets shot and the movie ends I think and all the old timers in the theatre enjoying this very important early bird movie special start slow clapping and I leave, fresh and rested. Ironically because I am off to the Opera. Thanks Lincoln. I will always never remember you.

*NOTE: Downside of the movie nap. I fell asleep on top of my arm, causing my elbow to grind into the cup holder. As a result, I awoke with my right hand asleep, and the right pinky and ring finger stayed that way for THREE DAYS. It was truly creepy. I mentally prepared myself to cut it off. Thank God it went away because if it didn’t, ooooo boy Spielberg would have SUCH a law suit up his famous ass.

Great Uncle Edwin. See the resemblance?

**NOTE 2: I am a direct blood line descendant of Edwin Booth, John Wilkes brother and Premier stage actor of his Time. Edwin started the players club downtown which still exists today. He wanted a place where educated artists could have discussions with politicians and business over good dinner and drinks. Go figure, Uncle Ed thought the arts were IMPORTANT and some actors were SMART enough to hold intelligent and possibly effective dialogues with those who run the business of our great country…I should probably join. 

WHY THIS FILM IS IMPORTANT: It isn't

HOW DRUNK WAS I: Luckily for the sake of all the Lincoln Center Upper West Side geezers at the theater, not at all. But I DID black out during the film, well for most of it, which made it bearable.

WHAT YOU SHOULD WATCH INSTEAD: Mel Gibson's The Patriot

If I am going to watch an American Historical movie that is way too long, completely mutilates history and cost too much to make, it should at least me done by Mel Gibson. We immediately know it will be false AND I'm guaranteed some awesome action scenes. The movie ends with Mel Gibson Spearing the evil British General Jeremy Issacs through the heart WITH THE AMERICAN FLAG! Thus planting it in the ground and staking our claim to this great land. Now That's the way I want a movie to lie to me.

OR WATCH: Saving Private Ryan

At least Spielberg took a chance with this film and was not afraid to show the audience a first person view of the horrors of war. I remember my grandfather, who stormed Normandy, telling me as a boy that was EXACTLY what it was like, and that this movie was important. The film was not about politics or ideals, American BS or or preaching the glory of war. The film was about a war these soldiers couldn't control in a land they did not know, fighting enemies they did not understand and forced to take on a simple yet horrifying mission to find one soldier who lost all of his brothers so that a mother's entire blood line was not eradicated.

CLOSING THOUGHTS: I wish Hollywood would stop trying to glorify War and our Presidents and our History and keep telling the Same BS that is taught to us in our History Books in a mere ten page chapter in 4^th Grade. Lincoln was not against Slavery on a moral level per se, he was against a booming southern economy taking advantage of free labor and hoarding all of the raw goods the industrial north needed to build and thrive. It was Bullshit. We were all under the same union so we should all have rights to the same commodities so we can all succeed as a country and continue to grow right? Well that is what Lincoln thought too.

Now a days we call this "Propoganda"

See, Lincoln was against the possibility of America, much of which had yet to be annexed, NOT becoming the gigantic, disconnected, to big to agree on anything, megalythic mess of a country that it is now. He allowed 600,000 men to die, several cities to be burned and raided and a newly formed country, still distinguishing itself (much like we tried to separate from the UK during the revolution) to be torn apart. He believed so heavily in the idea of A Union because he was scared of losing the south's resources and Angry that they were harvesting them for free. You want to know why the south still hangs the rebel flag? Go ask them. It isn’t over slavery. The ONLY redeeming fact of the Civil War was that it put the wheels in motion for Slavery to be abolished not just on paper but in reality. True evil is removing another person's choice.

 LINCOLN not only fails to push any boundaries or make any semblance of a controversial attempt to do so through the eyes of one of our greatest living character actors Daniel Day Lewis, but it is “Family Friendly” War and Politics are not Family friendly. If it weren’t for the fact that I was so exhausted, I would have waited to watch this film from the comforts of my mom’s living room recliner, with a good bottle of scotch in one hand and a bad bottle in the other, ready to be hurled at the screen. God I think I need a nap.

A kitty two minutes in to watching the movie Lincoln

SKYFALL

"007, Reporting for Duty"

          "00-Mark, reporting for drinky"

STARRING: Daniel Craig, Dame Judy Dench, A Gay Spanish Joker, Hot Chicks, The Red Dragon

RUN TIME: 2 Hrs and something

GENRE: Bond, James Bond

DRINKOMETER: 5/6 Gin Martini's, Shaken not Stirred

WHY I WENT: Uhhh Its Bond, it's Thanksgiving, and my brother and I have a long standing tradition of James Bond. We are what I would call experts and others would call, losers. Go on, ask me a Bond Trivia question and see. 

SO, I am in Rochester, N.Y. for ol Turkey Day 2012. Three days with my mom and my brother in our beautiful cabin on the pond which is pretty much the extent of my family. After an epic weekend in Willamsburg, Brooklyn that included a Demolition party at a rich hipsters apartment which ended in a lack of brain cells, my awesome new jacket coated in paint and a Partially broken rib due to a failed 5am cartwheel attempt that landed me INTO a bicycle, A 2 hr long Gertrude Stein Movement piece and the longest sunday-funday of my life that had me telling the bartender every 30 minutes " NO, No, put it on my FRIEND's MOM's TAB", I was ready for a little R.R. and R (Rochester Rest and Relaxation). Ahhhhh Williamsburg...

                                          

"Destroying my beautiful apartment shitfaced will show those evil wall street bastards! Hee-Hee!" Pukes. Acts Ironic. Sleeps with stranger. Eats Vegan. Farts...

If you haven't been to Rochester, COME! You can enjoy our beautiful golf courses, upscale grocery stores, George Eastman House, garbage plates, casual shootings downtown and horrific accents!

The Garbage Plate = 1 Styrofoam Container, a base of 1/2 lb Mac Salad and 1/2 lb Home Fries. Lay 2 cheeseburgers on top. Cover in a spicy meat sauce and diced raw onion. Served with white bread, butter and plastic cutlery. 

I spend all day Wednesday with my brother doing what brothers do - Bullshitting, eating a classic mall food-court lunch, checking out teenagers at the mall, checking out the new X-Box, selling our moms antique dining room chairs for $125 off of craigslist to a weird Horse Stable lady to BUY said X-Box and planning our SKYFALL Night.

My Bro doesn't drink, wise man. I on the other hand slap down a few Sobieski Rasberry Vodka and Polar Bear Lime Seltzer concoctions while watching a Castle marathon on TNT with my mom. I'm on a diet. Shut up, I don't make fun of what your drinking. Unless it's some sort of pansy shit...

                                       

                                             
                                                         Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Its safe to say I'm getting my SKYFALL right on. We of course decide to go to the classic REGAL EASTVIEW Movie theaters for the 10:40pm Show Thanksgiving Eve. There is NOTHING better than seeing a movie in the hometown movie theater you grew up in. Ahhhh the Make Outs...(I never made out at the movies as a teenager but I'm pretty sure people did.) The REGAL EASTVIEW is the epitome of state of he art 1994 complete with a shut down two story fun zone and mini golf course, unlocked back theater Exit doors and a Space Roller Coaster video which starts every film. If you think I didn't Pretend I wasn't on a roller coaster, throwing my hands into the air and cheering, you are obviously wrong. The other 7 people in the theater didn't find it funny.

*NOTE - I believe seeing a movie is an EXPERIENCE, like a Broadway show, a football game or a strip club. I clap. I cheer. I boo. I'm usually inebriated .. Going to a near empty SKYFALL in Rochester is the perfect dress rehearsal for my NYC viewing next week.

OK, lets get me to the review. But first, as a BOND EXPERT, Let me premise this post by stating what I believe to be the criteria for a great Bond movie

- A great opening Song/music video with naked women dancing through fire/water/both
- The bad guy must have a deformity
- An Amazing Car that shoots things, ejects people, can camoflauge and offer half price back rubs

- Bond must have at least 1 villain lunch

- Bond must sleep with at least 2 women, one of which must die (usually the bad girl)

- There should be soviets

- Bond should be disavowed/go rogue/play by his own rules
- A kitchy and seemingly unbeatable henchman who is easily beaten

- There should be soviets

- Sweet gadgets

- A casino scene, a pool scene, a 10 minute car chase, the end of the world as we know it and a sex scene all withing 30 minutes of each other

- There should be soviets.

REVIEW: Daniel Craig stars in his 3rd and best Bond movie yet, harnessing his best Bruce Willis as he spends the entire first hour of the movie battling a new arch nemesis, a bad hangover 

 =

                                                "Yippie - Ki - A Your Majesty"

I too would go on a three month long, private island Bender, sexing up some gorgeous naked woman then leaving her as I go make some gambling bucks ripping live scorpion shots with the locals and drinking until sun up IF I was shot off of a train by a fellow field agent during a high speed pursuit and left for dead in an unknown river. And Adele sang about it... Next time something sad happens, like a near death experience or in my case, the cost of Carlo Rossi jug wine going up a dollar a gallon, I'm getting Skyfall drunk. If only U.S. unemployment paid so well.

While closing down the tiki bar by opening a fresh bottle to his face at a healthy 8am in the morning, Bond sees on the TV (There's TV on Bond's Drunk unemployment island) That MI6 Headquarters has been attacked, blown up, ker plunked. He stares off, puts the bottle down, and I tighten my seatbelt to prepare for an awesome vengence quest. Bond goes rogue, +1 point.

Now, most Bond Movie plots usually consist of: A mad Russian/Arab/former hitman of some sort who recently disavowed from his terrorist sect/created a new terrorist sect and is secretly plotting the end of the world via some sort of Laser/Bomb/Stealth boat or all of the above and plans on holding the U.N. hostage in an attempt at extorting unaccountable sums of money, the point of which is unbeknownst to anyone as their evil scheme often goes array because Bond is assigned to find information and winds up killing EVERYONE whilst getting immaculately laid with a no limits secret service credit card BEFORE the bad guy has time to hit vegas or...whatever it is they plan to do with the world's power under their belt. I mean, what can you do, Buy another Stealth Boat?

NONE OF THIS HAPPENS IN SKYFALL

Rupert Murdoch gives a press conference. "By creating TOMORROWS news TODAY, I can buy NINE Stealth boats. Ill get you Bond.

See, In SKYFALL, the Bond girl is M (Dame Judy Dench) in some sort of attempt at Deconstructing the Bond Franchise B.S. and her Nemesis is Dame Javier Bardem, playing an insane, Spanish, Deviently homosexual Joker from The Dark Knight named SILVA out to destroy Dench through a series of computer hackings, terror attacks, and fashion faux pas. Silva was the equivalent of Bond in the 1980's. Suave, Blonde, Gay, Coked up and willing to do anything to please his Fake Mom/Boss Judy Dench until a mission went wrong and he got some bad dental surgery. Villain Disfigured +1 Bond Point.

And here I thought the Bond of the 80's was Timothy Dalton

*NOTE: It is this reviewers opinion that Tim Dalton was THE best bond and The Living Daylights THE best bond movie to date. He had the looks, the acting, the anger, went rogue, had the hottest women, fought soviets, drove an awesome car AND a plane and had the respect at age 23 to turn the role down when offered On Her Majesty's Secret Service. 

Flip a coin friend. Flip it I say. Go on. Flip. Flip the coin. Heads I win, Tales you lose. Come on. My nephew would.

So you see, there is no real plot here other than Bond, whilst rogue, decides to pursue Silva to protect M who is also his mom figure. There is this whole, M is my Mom thing, we are brothers, rats in the woods, water under the bridge, two birds of a feather, you can lead a horse to the woods but a bear isn't catholic, if you can't beat em join em, do you want to have martinis and possibly make out with me, Rivalry going on between Bardem and Craig. They are set up as exact equals, Orphans in the world of espionage with only a job to call family and a Boss to call mom. Blah Blah Blah. There are some SERIOUSLY good action sequences mixed in with all of this crap. My favorite of which is subtle and occurs while bond is taken captive at Silva's Secret Island Lair. Secret Villain lair = Pseudo Bond/Villain Lunch = 2pts.

Please join me for lunch on my Spaceship Mr. Bond. Id like to dine with you and explain my evil plans, from space, before I kill you...

Taken captive with Bond, is the gorgeous woman he met at a Casino, I don't know her name, lets call her Mysteria Hornbangalot, who somehow is on the evil side of things. I dont know. I had trouble paying attention for the twenty minutes she was in it, 19 of which Craig was Bonding her in the Butt on a sexy yacht en route to the Villain Island. Again, this is only an hour into the film and this sort of stuff usually happens at the end, so I'm so filled with Bond Deconstruction, Popcorn and Sour Patch kids I can barely contain myself.

It is in this scene at the secret lair that the audience is finally allowed to meet the Man behind the flask, and with a long standing villain monologue that usually occurs at the END of the movie, Silva is introduced to a tied up Bond. What an entrance. What an outfit. What a scene, filled with homosexual tension and bonding and thigh groping and computers. As all classic Villains do at their secret lair, Silva opts to release Bond from his constraints rather than put two rounds in his head and send the video tape to CNN like an actual terrorist would. And then, instead of locking him up, he tells Bond his entire plan, how and why he is doing it, and invites him for a stroll around the baron villain Island. Villain Secret Plan Monologue  = 5 points

Silva leads Bond to a a beautiful town square in the middle of his rubble Island, where the Hot evil chick Craig gave the Dirty Martini too several times on the yacht is tied up against a rock. Bond is handed a gun, and instructed to engage in a game of William Tell with Silva except instead of a gun they use an old fashioned pistoleer and in stead of an apple they use a shot glass of 50 yr old Macallan Scotch (My personal favorites) sold for $400 a shot at most Del Monte Steak Houses. Obviously, Bond shoots and Just misses while Bardem Shoots her in the gut, forcing the glass to fall and break and technically winning.

         ***THIS IS WHEN THE GREATEST LINE IN BOND MOVIE HISTORY OCCURS***

When Silva asks Bond what he thinks of the damsel's death, Bond replies:

 "Waste of a good Scotch"....... I repeat, upon a beautiful woman whom he schtooped relentlessly,  being shot to death during a game of William Scotch, Bond replies

"Waste of a good Scotch"....


Pause...Soak it in...

Pause...Soak in some more...

Waste of a good scotch...

A 50 Yr old Mkellen

We are only 1.5 hrs into the film. It is at this point I realize this is my Favorite movie in years. Then Bond proceeds to execute a series of PS2 Skyfire Video Game patented Bond Moves, kills all of Silva's henchmen, and DOESN'T kill Silva. Bond Doesn't take easy kill on bad guy. +1 Bond Points. Instead, he holds the gun at him and stands proud as a military convoy of helicopters appear above, capturing Silva. We haven't seen utter disregard for murder with a misogynistic undertone followed by a witty pun since the Connery Years, or last nights episode of the O'Reilly Factor.


And I'M  1.5 hours into this review. Lets speed things up. Cruise Control style

Bardem gets captured, held in a Magnito-esque holding, plastic, secret villainy...thing. Movies love to imagine these type of clear plastic, no sharp object, Villain-on-display cells exist. I guess it IS more interesting, but come on. However, its a BOND FILM! So I love it. Bardem gives an Oscar-logue, removes his jaw, cries to judy dench yadadada and what do you know, Big Surprise, he planned to get caught all along, on this day, by Bond at that Island, to be held at THIS unrealistic plastic magneto holding cell, annnnddddd escapes. OH NO! I though the movie was over at 1hr 32 mins! You mean, there's more? And now the real fun and the real Sam Mendes begins.

See, he gave us every Bond Movie ever made in the first 99 minutes, and left an hour to blow our minds and begin his Bond Decontruction. As overdone and silly as that is, it works, and at this point in the franchise, is possibly the only thing that can save the legacy going forward without Jumping Whale (Bond Jumped Shark in the 60's).

SO, from here on out who knows what is going to happen during Bardems incredible and sadistic plot to destroy M. I mean, I just expected that Bond will win and kill Silva, Dench will die in his arms as she is getting way to old to keep up these films and her contract is up, and the indescript Ralph Feinnes who has signed on for a few more films would become the new M for the next 10 - 20 years. But HOW they present that, ay, that's the rub.

Looks JUST like Judy Dench. Hellp New M

And THIS is where I leave you to judge this Bond installment for yourselves, weather you have seen the film or not. For there shall be no spoiler alerts for the last hour of this movie from me. All I will say is that it is satisfying, and action packed. It becomes a homerun throwback, justifying the entire Bond Univverse so it makes perfect sense in 2012. SKYFALL slowly unveils the fact that the Craig era of Bond films, not JUST Casino Royale, are an origin story leading up to Dr No and Dear God do I hope they do a remake. In fact, instead of creating new BS lets remake all of the Bonds. Broadway constantly revives plays, highschools have done ANNIE since 1369 B.C. and somehow Dallas is on TV again. It is time for the film industry to get over itself and allow original writing to persevere through the ages.

Or maybe, I'm a man. I'm just a man. And James Bond, 007, is More than a man. He is a superhero in a suit. He is everything I wish I could be: and a heightened version of everything I am: Charming, smart, tough, excellent with weapons and hand to hand combat, knows how to have a one night stand while leaving the woman feeling like she is lucky, cares about good and evil, drinks, smokes, and no matter what, saves the world on a regular basis. Every man wants to be him, every woman wants him, and every evil doer fears him. James Bond is a fantasy, Like Batman or Spiderman. Those movies are constantly remade with several of the same villains. I can only hope SKYFALL hit the restart button on the franchise and we have years of Bond To come.

WHY THIS FILM IS IMPORTANT: It RE-re-invents the Bond franchise. If anything, THIS should have been the reboot with Casino Royal and Quantum of Solace to follow, leaving two more films to fulfill the now abandoned SPECTOR villain storyline. It ends with the ORIGINAL BOND OFFICE, ya know, the one from the Connery/Lazenby/Moore era being CREATED. And we finally return to the role of M being played by a classy British male. Most important, we know that James and Ms. Money Penny HAVE had sex. Awesome...

HOW DRUNK WAS I: Its thanksgiving in Rochester. I have to spend 72 hours with family, In ROCHESTER... Take a guess.

WHAT YOU SHOULD WATCH INSTEAD: Skyfall, AGAIN

CLOSING THOUGHTS: 

MY Next Bond Candidates:

Gerry Butler

Michael Fassbender

ME. Nobody does it better...

What a waste of good scotch...