GRAND TORINO

STARRING: A Corpse (Clint Eastwood) A Car and a bunch of Koreans

RUN TIME: 738 minutes
GENRE: Vengence Quest

DRINKOMETER: 13 Scotches and a glass shotgun full of Brandy

PLOT: A racist romp through the delusional mind of a farty, senile zombie. Clint Eastwood is an angry old bigot who has this angry old car that represents angry old America, but not really. His wife dies, this stupid Korean kid tries to steal the car and Eastwood eventually mows down the Korean mob in the kids honor for the following hour and dying in the Jesus position.

WHY I WENT:

Ronan, Andy and I are sitting in my apartment on 65^th street, watching “Planet Earth” and pregaming to go see Grand Turino. Well, Andy and I are. Ronan has decided to stay sober and sip on some Shasta because he feels this film is very important and wants all of his wits about him to soak it in.

Ronan: …It is NOT a vengence quest –

Me: -yes it is!

Ronan: It is not, it’s going to be this year’s best picture winner and is supposed to be really subtle. And life changing. And I’m really looking forward to it

Andy: (from the bathroom) You guys are sons of bitches, you guys

Mark: Your telling me a movie about CLINT EASTWOOD as a retired military guy living in a KOREAN neighborhood isn’t going to be a vengence quest? C’mon

Ronan: No. You are way off

Mark: Nope.

Ronan: Ok..well..

Mark: Nope.

Andy: (From the bathroom) You guys are butts, hahaha, butts. You’re a bunch of butts.

Ronan: Andy are you sure you want to go?

Andy: (Coming out of the bathroom) Fuck you Ronan!

Ronan: Whoa, dude…

Mark: He has to go. We already bought the tickets on Fandango. We used your Credit Card.

Ronan: What?

Mark: Andy and I don’t have Banks Ronan and I didn’t want to get there after a sell out. Don’t worry I’ll get you popcorn and soda and chicken nuggets and some vodka

Ronan: I don’t want any of those. I’m not drinking for this!

Mark: Yes you are. You drank to go see Transformers!

Ronan: This is not Transformers -

Andy: I’ll give you guys some fuckin…chicken nuggetts hahahah.

Mark: - yes it is!

Ronan: Oh boy

Mark: Come on were going to be late for the liquor store.

Ronan: I…I don’t know if this is such a good idea. Andy seems pretty -

Andy: -You seem pretty fuck You!

Ronan: Ok…alright

Mark: Were going to be late and we have to stop at the liquor store first Ronan. Come on!

Ronan: oh boy.

REVIEW:

So we make it to the theatre and appropriately find the only three seats left in the middle of the crowd because we are getting there twenty minutes late.  Andy is screaming “Excuse Me, Excuse Me”, spilling vodka and Goobers on the people in front of him and laughing hysterically. We finally sit as the opening credits come up and Ronan takes a deep breath. I could tell by the gritty Eastwood teeth clenching in the opening funeral scene that we were definitely in for a vengence quest.

Andy is sitting between us and can’t stop compulsively kicking the seat in front of him which happens to be a large, bald, muscular Latino man. This continues throughout the film eventually degrading into a whisper argument and slap fight. There are also several whisper arguments and slap fights on screen as Eastwood is so old and decrepid he can barely talk or move. But God does he hate Koreans. I can’t stop laughing at the onslaught of racial comments and endless times clint says "Gook", particularly during a traditional Korean BBQ. As I glance across the aisle andy’s flailing torso to see Ronan, stone eyed and bright red. This is absolutely the worst night of his artistic career.

As the movie comes to a bloody suburban close, Clint Eastwood single handedly takes down the Korean Mob in a fury full of bullets at the cost of his own life. He falls unarmed and shot to pieces while holding the classic Jesus pose. I believe he was harnessing his Korean Jesus.

Andy has taken down a poor family sitting in front of us in a fury of slapsies at the cost of a nice night out to the movies now ruined for them. And then, the final scene.

The last shot is of the beautiful, red, convertible Torino being driven down the California coast by that damn Korean teenager who tried to steal it. An acoustic guitar theme song begins to softly and dramatically segway  the shot to the end credits. Andy begins bawling, I mean crying his eyes out and telling those around us who are appropriately standing to leave to shut up. He is moved, in awe, and life changed by this song. As the theater lights rise, Andy is crying and hugging the large Latino man whose family he was harassing all film.

Ronan: ohhh my God. Are you kidding. Are you kidding.  Jesus Christ…

Mark: See! See! Vengence quest! I told you Ronan…

Ronan: I’m leaving

Andy: That was so good! God, that song! Ahhh, it's just so beautiful! You guys wanna find a bar?

Ronan: No

Mark: To DJ’s!

And off we went obnoxiously into the cool manhattan night.

WHY THIS FILM IS IMPORTANT: It’s not. The Academy Thinks it is.

HOW DRUNK WAS I: Prettttty…

WHAT I WOULD HAVE RATHER DONE: Get a nice, hot, oily Korean Seoul Massage...

WHAT YOU SHOULD WATCH INSTEAD: The Outlaw Josey Wales




CLOSING THOUGHTS: When Interviewed, at a later date, Andy had this to say :

“ Mark it was a very very emotional moment for me, because I was utterly s8!t faced. But you know, still, it was good music. It was really really good music. But, If you asked me what the guy looked like that I was kicking and slapping and spilling vodka and popcorn on and crying and hugging, I couldn’t tell ya.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself as I too do not really remember the film other than when its on HBO at 5pm on a Saturday or something. I also just realized it is called GRAN Torino. GRAN. not Grand. GRAN. Huh...

"DRIVE"

STARRING: A male model, that meth guy on AMC, a vulnerable chick, an ethnic guy who can't act, Albert Brooks and Ron Pearlman

RUN TIME: Too Long

GENRE: Crap

WHY I WENT: I was sitting in my new house, dead broke and staring at a blank T.V. screen. My roomate is Gay, so naturally he wanted to go see the movie. After refusing for a few hours and several drinks, the key phrase "...Well I'll pay for you if you come with me. I don't want to go alone." popped up. So naturally, being the economist I am I took advantage of this movie Bull Market and walked to the movie. Yes, walked. NOT DRIVE, but walked.

REVIEW: DRIVE.....me so far away from the movie theater,  I think I'm going to puke and I never want to see a movie again.

That is the general feeling that coursed through my body as soon as the opening credits hit the screen. Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the sinking feeling that I had to sit through this crappy collage of crappy crap crap and maybe it was the booze. Either way,  I was laughing too loud at the beginning for some of the serious movie goers in the crowd. I just thought there would be more driving...and less...staring...

PLOT: I have no clue.  I guess there is this male model who stunt drives cars and stares off into the distance alot, usually with blurry L.A. lights in the background. He certainly stares off a lot more than he drives. He should probably stick to modeling. Apparently the model moonlights as a getaway guy for no explained reason and is the best Hollywood stunt driver ever during the day. Neither of these jobs provide him with enough income in this damn economy to live the quiet, closeted, staring off into nothing life that he so craves. So the model works at a slummy auto shop for the guy who's famous for selling meth on AMC. The model is called the "Driver", (God that is so stupid) and lives in some apartment next to this really vulnerable chick and her kid. Obviously, her ethnic boyfriend is in jail and he can't act. So she starts a flirty vulnerable affair with the quiet male model down the hall.

She brings her car to his shop and they hit it off after he worked on her chassey a little bit and then go for a long montage of illegal L.A. aquaduct driving. For a guy who is so awesome and mysterious he should probably avoid illegal driving with the vulnerable chick and her son who are clueless to the laws they are breaking. But, she ignores the idea of losing the kid to the state if they were caught and immediately trusts this strange guy enough to even let her son sit on his lap without a seat belt, while illegally driving around L.A. aquaducts, in to the sunset... Their connection is probably based on the fact that he is so good looking and mysterious and she is a paid actress. This once again proves that girls are idiots. It is after this point you are gonna want to take the flask out of your pocket and add the rest of the vodka to your movie soda. Then plan on leaving the theater to get more in about ten minutes.

As the movie goes on some stuff happens and Albert Brooks and Ron Pearlman turn out to be Jewish mobsters who are really just wannabe Italian mobsters. And here I thought the Jewish Mafia was just called banking. Apparently it also includes pizza shops, B-Movie productions and ill conceived plans to put lots of mob money in to a start-up racing crew with that male model and his meth boss.

Blahbiddy Blahhhbiddy Blahhhhh, Jew Mob Jew Mob and several slow montages of crap and then Boom, The ethnic boyfriend gets out of jail, gets himself in shenanigins because why wouldn't he. To protect the vulnerable chick and the kid, the model helps the boyfriend with some heist or something instead of reporting him to his parole officer. The heist goes bad and the boyfriend gets shot dead. The model kills some dudes, there is finally a driving sequence and the movie turns into a violent, crazy piece of scarp metal. "Oh My God it's so good!" "Who saw that coming". Well, no one. Because it doesn't make any sense. How on earth anyone could gangstomp a dude in the elevator while wearing such tight designer jeans and trendy sneakers is beyond me.

After some more crap and a trip to the liquor store, the model kills some more henchman, beats a guy up at a strip club and drowns Ron Pearlman. Oh yeah and there's a big bag of money from the stupid boyfriend heist gone wrong. The model meets Albert brooks for lunch at a chinese restaurant, you know, because he's Jewish. After some intense staring and a little General Tso's chicken, the model tells brooks the bag of money is in his car. Because the model is such a smart, incredible, bad ass criminal he thinks it a good idea to turn his back to brooks while grabbing the giant bag of money from the trunk. Brooks stabs him, obviously, and then they stab each and do a lot of staring and stabbing and Brooks dies. The model lives because his pants cut the circulation off to his heart enough that it slowed the bleeding. He leaves the bag of money in the parking lot for anyone to take instead of donating it to charity. You see,  he doesn't do it for the money...he does it because he has...drive...

What else what else what else...I think that is about it....

WHY THIS FILM IS IMPORTANT: It isn't

HOW DRUNK WAS I WATCHING IT: No where even close to enough. 

SEE IT? No

WHAT YOU SHOULD WATCH INSTEAD:  

DRIVEN - The terrible Sly Stallone movie where there is actually driving (or NASCAR or Predator)

WHAT I WOULD HAVE RATHER DONE:

CLOSING THOUGHTS:   It's hard to think after having to recap this thing. Oh right,  apparently I just don't "Get It".  This is one of the best movies ever and, if like, you don't, like, think so, it is because you are stupid. Or maybe it's because I hate staring, and models, and tight pants, and movies that lie to me in the trailer and title. And maybe, just maybe, there should have been a littttttttle bit more driving. You know, given he is a STUNT DRIVER! Hasn't anyone seen the movie RONIN (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0122690/)  with Bob De Niro. That is an intense, well written, quiet leading man, existential driving movie with DRIVING!

Sigh..I guess I am just not smart enough to understand some bullshit unrealistic, unrelatable, face lying Hollywood existential parody of 80's B movies. How could I be so stupid. I am. I'm just too stupid for big money making movies that aren't Jurassic Park....

I'm pretty sure the film made money too, lots of it. Like millions and millions. I mean C'mon it's directed by the guy who directed "Bronson"! Whooooo! That movie kicked ass huh? Awesome. If only it too didn't lie to me in the title. I thought Tom Hardy was doing a biopic of Charles Bronson not a mental breakdown. Boy will I be in for a rude awakening if I ever decide to see it which I will not. Because I just saw DRIVE. Ugh.

On a good note, I was able to do my laundry this week thanks to an unscratched lottery ticket I found on the side walk which got me $3. Awesome. I washed my jeans on warm and dried them even hotter hoping they would shrink to be as tight on me as that models so I could get some driving gigs some where. I really need a job. If only I had...Drive...

DRINKOMETER: 9 Vodka Clubs and a punch in the face