STARRING: A Corpse (Clint Eastwood) A Car and a bunch of Koreans
RUN TIME: 738 minutesGENRE: Vengence Quest
DRINKOMETER: 13 Scotches and a glass shotgun full of Brandy
PLOT: A racist romp through the delusional mind of a farty, senile zombie. Clint Eastwood is an angry old bigot who has this angry old car that represents angry old America, but not really. His wife dies, this stupid Korean kid tries to steal the car and Eastwood eventually mows down the Korean mob in the kids honor for the following hour and dying in the Jesus position.
WHY I WENT:
Ronan, Andy and I are sitting in my apartment on 65th street, watching “Planet Earth” and pregaming to go see Grand Turino. Well, Andy and I are. Ronan has decided to stay sober and sip on some Shasta because he feels this film is very important and wants all of his wits about him to soak it in.
Ronan: …It is NOT a vengence quest –
Me: -yes it is!
Ronan: It is not, it’s going to be this year’s best picture winner and is supposed to be really subtle. And life changing. And I’m really looking forward to it
Andy: (from the bathroom) You guys are sons of bitches, you guys
Mark: Your telling me a movie about CLINT EASTWOOD as a retired military guy living in a KOREAN neighborhood isn’t going to be a vengence quest? C’mon
Ronan: No. You are way off
Mark: Nope.
Ronan: Ok..well..
Mark: Nope.
Andy: (From the bathroom) You guys are butts, hahaha, butts. You’re a bunch of butts.
Ronan: Andy are you sure you want to go?
Andy: (Coming out of the bathroom) Fuck you Ronan!
Ronan: Whoa, dude…
Mark: He has to go. We already bought the tickets on Fandango. We used your Credit Card.
Ronan: What?
Mark: Andy and I don’t have Banks Ronan and I didn’t want to get there after a sell out. Don’t worry I’ll get you popcorn and soda and chicken nuggets and some vodka
Ronan: I don’t want any of those. I’m not drinking for this!
Mark: Yes you are. You drank to go see Transformers!
Ronan: This is not Transformers -
Andy: I’ll give you guys some fuckin…chicken nuggetts hahahah.
Mark: - yes it is!
Ronan: Oh boy
Mark: Come on were going to be late for the liquor store.
Ronan: I…I don’t know if this is such a good idea. Andy seems pretty -
Andy: -You seem pretty fuck You!
Ronan: Ok…alright
Mark: Were going to be late and we have to stop at the liquor store first Ronan. Come on!
Ronan: oh boy.
REVIEW:
So we make it to the theatre and appropriately find the only three seats left in the middle of the crowd because we are getting there twenty minutes late. Andy is screaming “Excuse Me, Excuse Me”, spilling vodka and Goobers on the people in front of him and laughing hysterically. We finally sit as the opening credits come up and Ronan takes a deep breath. I could tell by the gritty Eastwood teeth clenching in the opening funeral scene that we were definitely in for a vengence quest.
Andy is sitting between us and can’t stop compulsively kicking the seat in front of him which happens to be a large, bald, muscular Latino man. This continues throughout the film eventually degrading into a whisper argument and slap fight. There are also several whisper arguments and slap fights on screen as Eastwood is so old and decrepid he can barely talk or move. But God does he hate Koreans. I can’t stop laughing at the onslaught of racial comments and endless times clint says "Gook", particularly during a traditional Korean BBQ. As I glance across the aisle andy’s flailing torso to see Ronan, stone eyed and bright red. This is absolutely the worst night of his artistic career.
As the movie comes to a bloody suburban close, Clint Eastwood single handedly takes down the Korean Mob in a fury full of bullets at the cost of his own life. He falls unarmed and shot to pieces while holding the classic Jesus pose. I believe he was harnessing his Korean Jesus.
Andy has taken down a poor family sitting in front of us in a fury of slapsies at the cost of a nice night out to the movies now ruined for them. And then, the final scene.
The last shot is of the beautiful, red, convertible Torino being driven down the California coast by that damn Korean teenager who tried to steal it. An acoustic guitar theme song begins to softly and dramatically segway the shot to the end credits. Andy begins bawling, I mean crying his eyes out and telling those around us who are appropriately standing to leave to shut up. He is moved, in awe, and life changed by this song. As the theater lights rise, Andy is crying and hugging the large Latino man whose family he was harassing all film.
Ronan: ohhh my God. Are you kidding. Are you kidding. Jesus Christ…
Mark: See! See! Vengence quest! I told you Ronan…
Ronan: I’m leaving
Andy: That was so good! God, that song! Ahhh, it's just so beautiful! You guys wanna find a bar?
Ronan: No
Mark: To DJ’s!
And off we went obnoxiously into the cool manhattan night.
WHY THIS FILM IS IMPORTANT: It’s not. The Academy Thinks it is.
HOW DRUNK WAS I: Prettttty…
WHAT I WOULD HAVE RATHER DONE: Get a nice, hot, oily Korean Seoul Massage...
CLOSING THOUGHTS: When Interviewed, at a later date, Andy had this to say :
“ Mark it was a very very emotional moment for me, because I was utterly s8!t faced. But you know, still, it was good music. It was really really good music. But, If you asked me what the guy looked like that I was kicking and slapping and spilling vodka and popcorn on and crying and hugging, I couldn’t tell ya.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself as I too do not really remember the film other than when its on HBO at 5pm on a Saturday or something. I also just realized it is called GRAN Torino. GRAN. not Grand. GRAN. Huh...
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