STARRING: A male model, that meth guy on AMC, a vulnerable chick, an ethnic guy who can't act, Albert Brooks and Ron Pearlman
RUN TIME: Too Long
GENRE: Crap
WHY I WENT: I was sitting in my new house, dead broke and staring at a blank T.V. screen. My roomate is Gay, so naturally he wanted to go see the movie. After refusing for a few hours and several drinks, the key phrase "...Well I'll pay for you if you come with me. I don't want to go alone." popped up. So naturally, being the economist I am I took advantage of this movie Bull Market and walked to the movie. Yes, walked. NOT DRIVE, but walked.
REVIEW: DRIVE.....me so far away from the movie theater, I think I'm going to puke and I never want to see a movie again.
That is the general feeling that coursed through my body as soon as the opening credits hit the screen. Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the sinking feeling that I had to sit through this crappy collage of crappy crap crap and maybe it was the booze. Either way, I was laughing too loud at the beginning for some of the serious movie goers in the crowd. I just thought there would be more driving...and less...staring...
PLOT: I have no clue. I guess there is this male model who stunt drives cars and stares off into the distance alot, usually with blurry L.A. lights in the background. He certainly stares off a lot more than he drives. He should probably stick to modeling. Apparently the model moonlights as a getaway guy for no explained reason and is the best Hollywood stunt driver ever during the day. Neither of these jobs provide him with enough income in this damn economy to live the quiet, closeted, staring off into nothing life that he so craves. So the model works at a slummy auto shop for the guy who's famous for selling meth on AMC. The model is called the "Driver", (God that is so stupid) and lives in some apartment next to this really vulnerable chick and her kid. Obviously, her ethnic boyfriend is in jail and he can't act. So she starts a flirty vulnerable affair with the quiet male model down the hall.
She brings her car to his shop and they hit it off after he worked on her chassey a little bit and then go for a long montage of illegal L.A. aquaduct driving. For a guy who is so awesome and mysterious he should probably avoid illegal driving with the vulnerable chick and her son who are clueless to the laws they are breaking. But, she ignores the idea of losing the kid to the state if they were caught and immediately trusts this strange guy enough to even let her son sit on his lap without a seat belt, while illegally driving around L.A. aquaducts, in to the sunset... Their connection is probably based on the fact that he is so good looking and mysterious and she is a paid actress. This once again proves that girls are idiots. It is after this point you are gonna want to take the flask out of your pocket and add the rest of the vodka to your movie soda. Then plan on leaving the theater to get more in about ten minutes.
She brings her car to his shop and they hit it off after he worked on her chassey a little bit and then go for a long montage of illegal L.A. aquaduct driving. For a guy who is so awesome and mysterious he should probably avoid illegal driving with the vulnerable chick and her son who are clueless to the laws they are breaking. But, she ignores the idea of losing the kid to the state if they were caught and immediately trusts this strange guy enough to even let her son sit on his lap without a seat belt, while illegally driving around L.A. aquaducts, in to the sunset... Their connection is probably based on the fact that he is so good looking and mysterious and she is a paid actress. This once again proves that girls are idiots. It is after this point you are gonna want to take the flask out of your pocket and add the rest of the vodka to your movie soda. Then plan on leaving the theater to get more in about ten minutes.
As the movie goes on some stuff happens and Albert Brooks and Ron Pearlman turn out to be Jewish mobsters who are really just wannabe Italian mobsters. And here I thought the Jewish Mafia was just called banking. Apparently it also includes pizza shops, B-Movie productions and ill conceived plans to put lots of mob money in to a start-up racing crew with that male model and his meth boss.
Blahbiddy Blahhhbiddy Blahhhhh, Jew Mob Jew Mob and several slow montages of crap and then Boom, The ethnic boyfriend gets out of jail, gets himself in shenanigins because why wouldn't he. To protect the vulnerable chick and the kid, the model helps the boyfriend with some heist or something instead of reporting him to his parole officer. The heist goes bad and the boyfriend gets shot dead. The model kills some dudes, there is finally a driving sequence and the movie turns into a violent, crazy piece of scarp metal. "Oh My God it's so good!" "Who saw that coming". Well, no one. Because it doesn't make any sense. How on earth anyone could gangstomp a dude in the elevator while wearing such tight designer jeans and trendy sneakers is beyond me.
After some more crap and a trip to the liquor store, the model kills some more henchman, beats a guy up at a strip club and drowns Ron Pearlman. Oh yeah and there's a big bag of money from the stupid boyfriend heist gone wrong. The model meets Albert brooks for lunch at a chinese restaurant, you know, because he's Jewish. After some intense staring and a little General Tso's chicken, the model tells brooks the bag of money is in his car. Because the model is such a smart, incredible, bad ass criminal he thinks it a good idea to turn his back to brooks while grabbing the giant bag of money from the trunk. Brooks stabs him, obviously, and then they stab each and do a lot of staring and stabbing and Brooks dies. The model lives because his pants cut the circulation off to his heart enough that it slowed the bleeding. He leaves the bag of money in the parking lot for anyone to take instead of donating it to charity. You see, he doesn't do it for the money...he does it because he has...drive...
What else what else what else...I think that is about it....
WHY THIS FILM IS IMPORTANT: It isn't
HOW DRUNK WAS I WATCHING IT: No where even close to enough.
SEE IT? No
WHAT YOU SHOULD WATCH INSTEAD:
After some more crap and a trip to the liquor store, the model kills some more henchman, beats a guy up at a strip club and drowns Ron Pearlman. Oh yeah and there's a big bag of money from the stupid boyfriend heist gone wrong. The model meets Albert brooks for lunch at a chinese restaurant, you know, because he's Jewish. After some intense staring and a little General Tso's chicken, the model tells brooks the bag of money is in his car. Because the model is such a smart, incredible, bad ass criminal he thinks it a good idea to turn his back to brooks while grabbing the giant bag of money from the trunk. Brooks stabs him, obviously, and then they stab each and do a lot of staring and stabbing and Brooks dies. The model lives because his pants cut the circulation off to his heart enough that it slowed the bleeding. He leaves the bag of money in the parking lot for anyone to take instead of donating it to charity. You see, he doesn't do it for the money...he does it because he has...drive...
What else what else what else...I think that is about it....
WHY THIS FILM IS IMPORTANT: It isn't
HOW DRUNK WAS I WATCHING IT: No where even close to enough.
SEE IT? No
WHAT YOU SHOULD WATCH INSTEAD:
DRIVEN - The terrible Sly Stallone movie where there is actually driving (or NASCAR or Predator)
WHAT I WOULD HAVE RATHER DONE: 
CLOSING THOUGHTS: It's hard to think after having to recap this thing. Oh right, apparently I just don't "Get It". This is one of the best movies ever and, if like, you don't, like, think so, it is because you are stupid. Or maybe it's because I hate staring, and models, and tight pants, and movies that lie to me in the trailer and title. And maybe, just maybe, there should have been a littttttttle bit more driving. You know, given he is a STUNT DRIVER! Hasn't anyone seen the movie RONIN (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0122690/) with Bob De Niro. That is an intense, well written, quiet leading man, existential driving movie with DRIVING!
Sigh..I guess I am just not smart enough to understand some bullshit unrealistic, unrelatable, face lying Hollywood existential parody of 80's B movies. How could I be so stupid. I am. I'm just too stupid for big money making movies that aren't Jurassic Park....
I'm pretty sure the film made money too, lots of it. Like millions and millions. I mean C'mon it's directed by the guy who directed "Bronson"! Whooooo! That movie kicked ass huh? Awesome. If only it too didn't lie to me in the title. I thought Tom Hardy was doing a biopic of Charles Bronson not a mental breakdown. Boy will I be in for a rude awakening if I ever decide to see it which I will not. Because I just saw DRIVE. Ugh.
Sigh..I guess I am just not smart enough to understand some bullshit unrealistic, unrelatable, face lying Hollywood existential parody of 80's B movies. How could I be so stupid. I am. I'm just too stupid for big money making movies that aren't Jurassic Park....
I'm pretty sure the film made money too, lots of it. Like millions and millions. I mean C'mon it's directed by the guy who directed "Bronson"! Whooooo! That movie kicked ass huh? Awesome. If only it too didn't lie to me in the title. I thought Tom Hardy was doing a biopic of Charles Bronson not a mental breakdown. Boy will I be in for a rude awakening if I ever decide to see it which I will not. Because I just saw DRIVE. Ugh.
On a good note, I was able to do my laundry this week thanks to an unscratched lottery ticket I found on the side walk which got me $3. Awesome. I washed my jeans on warm and dried them even hotter hoping they would shrink to be as tight on me as that models so I could get some driving gigs some where. I really need a job. If only I had...Drive...
DRINKOMETER: 9 Vodka Clubs and a punch in the face
DRINKOMETER: 9 Vodka Clubs and a punch in the face
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